


Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of the lives I'm not living

by Navy_Blue



Category: Black Sails
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Mild Language, mentions of period typical homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-25 21:46:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12044919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Navy_Blue/pseuds/Navy_Blue
Summary: James and Thomas visit a ship. Thomas feels sad about his duties and father and *motioning generally* homophobia of the 18th century. James comforts him. The title is a pretentious quote but is what inspired this fic so there you go.





	Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of the lives I'm not living

“You’ll need your coat, my lord,” said James, taking the coat off the back of the sofa and passing it to him. It was raining, a typical grey Monday morning in London, but their work couldn’t stop for a few clouds. 

“Thank you, James,” Thomas replied. He knew it made James’s ears go pink whenever he used the familiar instead of referring to him as ‘Lieutenant’ and he couldn't help himself. 

Their trip was to see one of five possible ships they had shortlisted for being suitable for, as James put it, establishing their new colony. Thomas wanted to feel excited by the prospect of having some tangible progress to their plan but he couldn’t forget the conversation he had had with his father the night before. Naturally it had ended in shouting and Thomas had gone to bed feeling thoroughly miserable. He needed something to show it wasn’t all ideas and theories but a practical possible solution to his father’s problem. When his father had given him the assignments of sorting out the pirates and restoring law and order in New Providence Island, he knew it was a near impossible task. He knew full well his father expected to fail, it just was another cruel trick – give him a task destined to fail, and watch Alfred Hamilton gloat about his foolish, stupid, useless son.

“Uh, my lord… Thomas,” James put his hand on Thomas’s arm, trying to get his attention. Thomas took a sharp breath at the warm touch. It was his turn to blush now, hearing James say his name. “We should get going, the carriage is here.” 

He mustn’t let thoughts of his father dampen his spirits today. James had promised to show him round the ship, and he rather liked James showing off in his natural habitat. He had been given an introduction into the workings of such vessels by Admiral Hennessey before James had been assigned to him, but he’d never tell. He preferred to feign ignorance and let James guide him round, pointing out little details, smiling at Thomas’s ridiculous pronunciation of nautical terms. He liked to see James happy.

When they stepped out of the carriage they were on the docks, surrounded by the merchants and sailors, market traders and the odd animal. James led them to the Navy’s area.  
“So, this is ours,” James was beaming as they stood before a large warship, “hopefully.” 

There were more gun ports than Thomas had expected and it was far more imposing than any other ship he had stood beside. The name was written in cursive gold lettering on the prow.

“Janus. I suppose it’s accurate. The god of new beginnings, transitions... “Thomas mused. He rather liked the sounds of it - a new beginning for the island, and for him.

“And the start and end of wars too, if I remember correctly” continued James. “I think our Janus is more a man of war than the turning over a new leaf sort.”

Thomas new he was right. There he goes again, silly ideas, foolish man, thinking this whole thing would be easy. Deep down he knew they were in for a battle he was not nearly prepared for. His mind started slipping into images of James, covered in blood, shouting commands to fire at enemy ships. _What if- No, not today Thomas_ , he thought. He breathed deeply, calming himself. “Right then, lead on lieutenant.”

James led him about the ship. He tried to teach Thomas the difference between fore and aft, and starboard and larboard and Thomas pretended to get very confused. James laughed something about landlubbers and smiled at him affectionately. They made their way to the back of the ship, James occasionally holding Thomas’s elbow to steady him as they clambered over ropes. He was sure he didn’t look that unsteady, the water beneath them was calm and the ship barely moved an inch, but he didn’t refuse it. James’s hand stayed at his elbow as they stood on the high quarter deck, looking out at London beneath them. 

He looked out over the vast city. Maybe it was the grey clouds, or the smoke from the factories, but he couldn’t help but loathe the place. Somewhere in the maze of streets and soot was Alfred, he thought. Maybe Alfred was thinking about Thomas, muttering words of disproval no doubt. Probably in a tea room, in the cleaner parts of town, ladies are gossiping about his wife. And somewhere else someone in a stuffy office is writing laws against all the things fantasizes about doing with James. He wished he could just be with James as they were in Thomas’s house, but everywhere they went they had to be sure they weren’t standing to close, or their eyes didn’t linger for too long. Thomas had been practising this art for years and he was exhausted. Thomas closed his eyes. _Dear god, fuck them all_ , he thought, _what a miserable place._

The sadness must have been plain on his face as James put his hand on the small of Thomas’s back, bringing him out of his thoughts. He could feel the heat of it through his coat. The ship had been cleared in preparation for the Lord’s visit and they were alone enough that Thomas leaned into the touch. “Come on, there’s more to see yet.” James said quietly.

James led him to the captain’s quarters and closed the door behind them. It was warm and well-furnished but there was a painting of the Vice-Admiral on the wall, staring down at them coldly. It made Thomas feel watched. James sat down on the small bed built into an alcove in the wall and motioned to Thomas to sit next to him. The bed was small and their knees touched as James looked at Thomas, his eyes full of concern.

“Now, will you please tell me what’s on your mind? You’ve looked so miserable all day.” James spoke firmly but the Thomas heard a crack in his voice.

Thomas sighed, he didn’t really know where to begin. It was all so much. “It’s- well- everything. My father visited yesterday, as you know, and he doesn’t think I can do this,” motioning out towards the ship around them, “and to be honest I’m not sure I can either. Who’s going to listen to my plan? Pardoning pirates… I don’t know what I was thinking of. And then I heard someone at a party last week muttering filth about Miranda and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I feel useless about it all. And all I want is to run off with you and her but I reckon my father would personally see to all our ends if that happened and I-” His voice broke. He rarely cried, it was frowned upon in his family, but he felt tears at the corners of his eyes.

James looked like he was going to cry. This took Thomas by surprise even more than his own outburst of emotion. 

“Please believe me Thomas, I want nothing more than to leave with you. But this, this is your chance, our chance to prove to everyone how utterly wrong they are. And we’ll do it, together.” He looked up at Thomas, earnest and sincere, trying his hardest to be comforting although his Navy training had removed much of his capacity for it.

_God help me with this one_ , thought Thomas. And he put a gentle hand on James’s shoulder and leaned towards him. For a moment, he thought he saw James pull away and panic drained the blood from his extremities, but a moment later, James’s lips met his. They kissed, Thomas delighting in feeling James’s smile widen under his lips. He moved his hand to James’s cheek and wrapped the other round James’s back and pulled him closer. 

When Thomas pulled away he caught a glimpse of James, flushed, with dark eyes and lips slightly parted, and he felt fucking invincible.

**Author's Note:**

> argh poor Thomas. He's such a ray of sunshine but I couldn't help feel that he must have spend a lot of time being sad. As with pretty much everything I've tried to write recently, this was meant to be happy but it turned out pretty angsty.


End file.
